A lot can happen in 9 months. People you thought would always be in your life can suddenly be removed from it. It’s strange how someone can become your whole life and just be gone in a day. I can remember how it felt when they were in it, even if I don’t want to, but it feels completely different. It feels like a dream, a past life. Maybe I created that feeling to detach myself from the situation or maybe it’s just because when someone tells you it’s over, done, it feels so surreal that the only comparable experience you’ve had is when you’ve woken up from a dream. A vivid dream, the best dream, but still a dream. I could go into all of the things that were wrong and I’ve thought about them, but those aren’t the things I want to remember. I choose to remember the good things because even if its upsetting to remember them, it keeps be hoping that I’ll feel them again, and stronger for someone else. I could very well not feel them ever again but it’s nice to be hopeful.
A lot can happen in 9 months. Strangers can become familiar and meaningful in ways you don’t even understand completely. Maybe it’s the breakup or maybe it’s just the excitement of meeting new people with qualities you wish you had, either way meeting someone that makes you feel good again is significant. Ignoring the fact that your hearts a mess and your mind is unable to think straight with so many conflicting emotions, having an honest, open conversation with someone can make you feel a little more free than when those thoughts were trapped in your head. Even if those talks occur after 8 shots of tequila when you’re half crying, those conversations are meaningful (presuming you can remember them). Talking with friends is one of the main ways I deal with things and without them I feel like my mind would run wild to the point of neurosis… which I feel I’ve been on the brink of for the past few months. But those neurotic moments I try and let go of. It’s the things I’ve learned from them that I try to remember. For example, don’t try to fill the void left in your heart with other people. Other people will let you down too. You can’t put all your weight on them. You have to leave some of it empty and fill it on your own. And if that gets too depressing then think of something that makes you feel good again.
And that’s what I’ve learned, disappointment after disappointment, the way I get through it is to let them go and focus on things, whether in the past or hopefully in the future, that make you happy. I don’t care if it makes ex-boyfriends harder to get over (mainly when the happiness you remember was with them) or friends harder to make (when the happiness you feel comes from sitting at home by yourself putting ink on paper instead of spending a night out). Taking the good is how I keep going, it’s how I get to sleep when my mind won’t stop racing. It’s how I make the sadness in my life seem worth it.